30 August 2012

La Vie En Le Jour

Yep! I decided to start mixing some personal journal in this blog. I would say that all stuff in this blog has been personal so far, so this portion would just be about me and stuff happening around me. This is simply a journal.

La Vie En Le Jour. I asked google to translate it for me in English and it gave me the answer "life by days". I wouldn't say that was the accurate translation either. Would it sound better if I used the English counterpart instead? Or if I changed it into "days by life"? I am not too certain about this stuff to be honest but I just feel like using some French words for a change.

There's this saying that goes "adding life into your years than adding years into your life" or something like that. So maybe my journal sounded like that in a way? It would actually be better to add life into each day I had since life is too short and I wouldn't know when mine would end. And keeping a record of every idiotic and funny thing I did was more fun than forgetting them until someone remembered tham for me. I used to keep a journal of each day before, and I find the things I did before to be embarassing when I read it after so long. Memories are either trashed or treasured but they will always be remembered.

And, yes, my first post in this category is just a kind of introduction. I don't consider it a waste either since even before I always skip the first few pages of my journals. I don't know why I do that though.

So, dear future me, the me right now is kind of keen in keeping record of her life as the days pass, so that one day in the far future her present self can read them and laugh and cry about the most trivial things she did in the past. You and I are the same, from one body and one soul. The only difference is time but with this journal containing the records of our life, I believe we are connected even through time.

LVELJ.C01

28 August 2012

Doubt's Pit

I am stuck...snugly lying within my comfort zone. Firmly holing onto the things I adore. Sadly, it was not so much good for an attitude. Like hoping so much to relive yesterday. As if the hands of time would turn back and rewind everything that happened solely for me.

I am tied down. My words are chains keeping me from the future. My depression became a seal that kept me on hiatus and stuck on yesterday's time. I was bound to dream yet dreams are like wings with a life of its own. Opportunities come to me yet my time, frozen cold and stiff, are holding me back. Thus, the wings of my dreams began moving, leaving me, who cannot keep up, behind.

I am shrouded with doubts and fears. For sometime, advancing a step forward would be impossible. Rejection brought forth such a devastating emotion, locking my joyous ambitions sealed in a time capsule of the past buried down a hole beyond my reach. So, my present was filled with struggles of coping. It was so frustrating that as I am stuck now, I was being held back even further. For how long should I wait to catch up with those dreams that fled from my grasp even before I actually started to pursue them?

It was unknown to me how I can move forward and such uncertainty brings me more doubts to gain success. It was like a hazy illusion formed in the mist that will disappear once the mist disintegrates. I fear the unknown for I have not even a tiny bit of idea what that is. Knowledge holds power and gives me a feeling of confidence. Not knowing, on the other hand, keeps me silent and unmotivated. Ignorance is a fearsome thing and only knowledge can counter it.
As I speak, mostly of my complaints and my fears, nothing was being done and changed. My complaining does not start anything nor stating my fears does rid myself of them. There was a kind of comfort from speaking one's worries. It does not rid me of any obligations but it alleviates my heavy emotions hence motivating me to take simple actions. But, still certainty will not be on my side; it was never on anyone's side to begin with for there was no certainty with anything. It was so simple of a thing that being alive and living has taught me and still I am a worrywart. I believe that was part of my character and I cannot change it but it doesn't make certainty my enemy of any sort.

Time is not my enemy either, nor was it my comrade. It would, however, sometimes go against my plans and sometimes it plays along my acts and that makes me overjoyed causing me to feel as if I am a lucky girl. Lately, however, it has stood still on me. It stopped moving and that frozen time has been piling up and one day it will be way too enormous that I won't be able to use them all. Indeed, time has stopped for me but it does not render my life to stay still as well. Life goes on as everyone says. My life will continue to flow in a disturbed manner for time stood still on me. I need to cope to how life is moving around me despite my time staying as it is on that day a long time ago. I am catching up with life but I am not saving the time that stopped. It would be more like wasting it for I cannot use it appropriately. It is a great wonder what would cause my time to continue moving forward. A touch of hand of someone who would someday be precious? A word or two from someone who has been there from the start? Or simply a realization devoid of all romanticism?

10 August 2012

Tears and Light - Abridged Story

Drops of water are rolling down my skin. Slowly and gently, allowing me to feel its sympathy…like caressing me lovingly, captivating me in its kindness. Tears. It was so much of a wonder to me as to how they form. I was never into biology, or science in general. Although there could be a time that I thought stars were so interesting. It was back in my grade school years, and I topped my class in the science exams. That was the best achievement I had in regards with science, and probably my closest relationship to it. Perhaps not, my first love and the thing I used to love second-most was like a branch of science. Yes, a thing I used to love, but I gave it up.

The water continues to flow, out of my eyes, down to my chin until it was caught in the collar of my shirt. Would it flow endlessly had I not wear anything to hinder it? The distance it should have flowed would show how much it keeps me company in my agony. Staying with me and silently understanding all the misery I was going through. I could not have done that to anyone, but my tears were so kind that they would never leave me. They pour continuously like rain until the clouds of my sorrows cleared, showing a sun of a new perspectives. I wonder if tomorrow would give me something to look forward to. Since yesterday took something from me that would have given me happiness tomorrow, the following day, and every day after that.

Today, I am drowned in my own loneliness. I would probably be like this for a very long time unless someone clears my clouds of misery and show me a new light, a hope for something anew. But the person whom I hoped would do it for me had left me, involuntarily. I couldn’t help it, if fate and time allowed it. It was bound to happen – for me to be left alone.