06 October 2012

Trapped in a Kaleidoscope

I want to keep the words to myself. I am not trying not to hurt anyone, since pain is a proof of reality. I don't know why but it seems like a big deal to me when two of my acquaintances broke off their relationship. I was never deeply involved in their romantic affairs. I was merely an audience to a real-time movie.

I just read a blog-entry of a guy friend about his thoughts and feelings on their break-up. I like how he writes such words full of emotions. He must have thought about their relationship over and over again. I knew they were in love with each other, and I knew that he loved her.

I didn't really wanted to ask him about it for it was like rekindling the pain. Moreover, he must have been asked by several people now and he just had to tell it over and over again since he's in a faraway country. So, I asked another friend who was staying with him. He simply provided me with the general idea of what happened. That was enough, I need not know every details.

For me, it all started when I saw the change in his relationship status in a social media. The girl broke up with him with vague reasons. I knew that much, rather it was like a given should they parted ways. She's a good girl and I like her too but I simply know that he was more in love than she does. I don't know what really happened to her but I could guess some trivial reasons. There were several things affecting a long distance relationship, after all.

I wanted to comfort him since he is a friend. I just can't do it when I was the one who broke up with my boyfriend a long time ago. Indeed, I am still running away from it. Then, I read his blog entry. I suddenly felt like I was trapped in a kaleidoscope of time. Years have passed since it happened but I just can't forget. I always think of the times we shared together. There were lots of them but they were no longer chronologically arranged. I had forgotten the feelings I had during those times. It was only like watching an old-school film in black and white - no sounds, no colors, just plain images. At least I knew that I loved him.

Should I interact with him at this time, will I be seeing how my ex-boyfriend was like when I broke up with him? That is what I am hesitating about. I wanted to know and yet I don't want to. I am burdening myself unnecessarily. All along, I had thought that I have given up on him and that I no longer wanted to be with him. It seems like I was only trying to make myself believe that. I can feel some prickly pain in my heart now. I loved the warmth of our relationship and I am longing for that.

I am still running away. I am still denying and lying to myself. But, I already gave up on us.

LVELJ.C05 (06.10.2012)

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