06 December 2011

Love Letter


How long has it been since our last time together? I don't even remember the day when we decided to part ways. If I am not mistaken, it was a few years back from today. However long it has been, it was indeed a part of the past.

Truth be told, even up to this day I am still having moments when I reminisce our times together. Those days are surely filled with the pink-colored aura of two people in love. Our dates, hugs, kisses, talks, and arguments...looking back, they seem to be unending stories that are full of hope for the future. Our relationship was that of a young couple in love - happy and hopeful. It was a sweet and somewhat childish love story. I never regretted those days I spent with you. Those moments eventually became part of our memories. Those were part of our story. But I can only remember those moments by myself now. Those days already belonged to the past. They will remain part of it.

Before we started our relationship as a couple, we were merely classmates…not even close friends at that. We only have a pretty close relationship in virtual messaging. That was a long distance friendship, perhaps? Since we were used to that kind of set-up, it became pretty easy for us, who were studying in different universities, to cope with our distance issue. We have always been in a long distance relationship even before we became a couple. The long distance relationship we had seemed normal for us. Of course, we missed each other a lot, but it was like our normal set-up. Physical distance is a common problem among young couples and we took it lightly. We never realized the damaged it was causing our relationship.

Despite our distance problem, we always managed to see each other every once in a while. Every time we were together, we would always become sweet with each other on certain moments. I always loved the time we were cuddling each other. I love the sensation. I feel like I am melting in your arms. Moreover, I love the warmth of your body. It was comforting and calming. That was the reason I always feel sleepy beside you. You emit the warm I am most comfortable with, and with you around, I feel secured. Honestly, I always act childishly only around you because I want to be pampered. Maybe it was due to my fetish to have an older brother. I have low immunity towards boys since I did not really grow up with my father around. You know the matter about my father, but I bet that you never really thought how it affected my behavior. I will tell you another secret: when we were still dating, you were the only guy that I trust, more than my father and my brother.

We started our relationship, from being friends to a couple, with a physical distance between us. We were used to that. It was normal for us. Eventually, as we progressed with our studies, things changed and meeting each other became difficult. Our time together was always something we treasure. With our studies being our top priority, we always put our relationship second. I am sure that you also felt how our own circumstances are hindering our relationship. You are busy. I am busy. We barely have time to have a normal conversation. Our meetings became rarer. Months passed by with our status growing vaguer.

You have your own circumstances and I have mine. We have been together for more than two years. During that time, we honed our tolerance with our long distance and lesser time relationship. But our individual circumstances are different. Despite being together for so long, we are still two unique individuals living in different environments, taking different career paths, having our own problems, thinking and feeling differently. We longed for each other just the same…but I felt insecure.

Remember the time when I told you that I am sick? It was the beginning of the week, Monday morning. After our short conversation, I never really get in touch with you again. I have been confined in a hospital for less than a week and I never told you. I know that you are busy and I do not wish to worry you. I can make an excuse without the need to tell you that I am admitted in a hospital. However, I want to be selfish and make you worry so I never told you a thing. You only learned of it, on the day before I was released from the hospital, from a common friend, your classmate and my neighbor. I don’t remember if we even talked about it afterwards. I only remember that I was busy when I returned from being sick because it was my examination week.

Then, my most terrible month came - August 2009. I totally slacked with my studies. I almost failed all of the exams I took after being ill. I needed to catch up with the lessons I have missed. My requirements also piled up. The worst thing is that my laptop was broken and I cannot use it properly. I have an incoming international tour that I wish to join but my family just spent huge amount of money for medical expenses. And my father was at home for almost half a year and I don’t know when he will be boarding his ship or if he will be sailing again. He was our only source of family income. My mind was in a mess and I do not want to care about anything anymore. It was the time when I am crying almost every night because of being emotionally depressed.

One day, I just got fed up with my situation and I tried bothering you despite knowing that you are busy. I told you stuffs like I've missed you and that I needed you to comfort me. Despite telling such things with a sad smiley icon, the only respond I received is that you are busy. I am used to that kind of respond, but at that very moment, I just let all my tears flow freely. It was a way of getting rid of my hazy mind and emotional depression. I kept on crying until I fell asleep thinking just how important is my position of being a girlfriend to you, that I should not have gotten myself so attached to you, and if I even deserve this misery.

I can never really forget the fact that you rejected a request from your girlfriend who is obviously crestfallen. I am not very sure if I even tried bothering you again after that, but I think I did. I already felt, since long ago, that I am not one of your top priorities even if you tell me how important I am. I made myself believed that I am your last priority despite my position of being your girlfriend. I am one of your priorities, yes, but I was the last one. Your family comes first and then your studies, and so on. I do not even know how far I am on the list. My insecurity grew stronger, and our relationship became colder. I do not even know if I still have a boyfriend for I do not feel like I have one. Our existence to each other’s life became like that of a spirit. I do not know anything happening to you and I became more selfish.

Eventually, the day came when we needed to talk about our relationship status since you heard from my best friend that I feel like I do not have a boyfriend anymore. Would you not even realize my absence from your life without hearing it from another person? That time, I just say whatever came to mind not giving it a thought. I told you how tired I am from being too considerate of people who don’t even think of being considerate of me. I propose a break up as a solution for our problem. Then you started talking about the future. In my case, I can’t even think of the future if we are like this. I don’t remember what I told you. But in the end, you agreed to my proposal. After a few hours, I tried contacting you again, but I think you are asleep and so you never replied. I think lightly of our break-up and thought that, eventually, we would reconcile again. However, that never happened and we never even had a normal conversation afterwards. We lost contact with each other. Even though I wanted to know what happened to you and to tell you my reason for my break-up proposal, I was never given the chance to do so.

We are over. Our love story has ended. It was not one of those stories with a happy-ever-after ending. You have your flaws. I have my own. We were both at fault. I am sure that there are bygone emotions that were never conveyed and silent words that were never heard. But life goes on. We simply returned to being two individuals not related with each other...just like how we were during the first fifteen years of our life.



I know this is too late now, but I still want to tell you this: I loved you. You will remain as a special person in my life. Though the love I used to have for you will eventually fade after meeting someone more special, I know that there will still be a special emotion for you. I know this is selfish of me, but I really wish to keep a close friendship with you. I will undeniably compare how you have been to my future partner, and I will definitely look for your character in that person. However, by that time, I am sure that I am not the same childish person you knew before.

I hate goodbyes. And please take care of yourself. Our memories belong only to us. If you wish to forget them, you may do so. There are still chances of meeting you, so see you someday.

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