She is beautiful. And I was a lucky bastard to have met her.
She was more beautiful than anything in this world. Not even something of natural beauty could be compared to her. Scenery of a thousand fireflies in a pitch black forest was no match for her. All the girls will definitely fall in love with that. They would be so touched and feel so special, enough to give up their virginity to the guy that would show that to them. Girls usually let their emotions get the better of them. But she is different. She was very different from all the girls I have been associated with. She broke all of my expectations. She made me feel and experience things for the first time. She is special. She is very special girl. And I am such a coward who could only wish to have her.
I was plain annoyed of my actions…of my cowardice. I was given the chance. I had the perfect opportunity. We were alone. The mood was right. Even our lips were just millimeters apart. It was the perfect moment but I have to act like a fucking pussy after mustering enough courage to make a move on her. I just have to be afraid of the consequences of my words. I wanted to date her properly. Technically we were dating but it was more like hanging out as friends. I want to date her properly as my girlfriend. Sure, I might just be behaving like a possessive bastard but I could at least enjoy a little more benefits while I am at it. That aside, I just wanted to let her know how I truly felt about her, and maybe ask her what she thought of me. I wanted to increase her consciousness of me. She seemed like the type that needs to be told directly otherwise she would just passed me off as a very good friend.
I only have to say three words. I was already there and was about to tell her but I became frightened on that very moment. I wanted her to know but I was afraid that she would reject me. In the worst case scenario, she would ignore me altogether. At least I never wanted for the latter to happen. I don’t want to lose her. That was the very reason why I was trying my best to hold back and deny to myself that I liked her. If I lost her I would probably break into several irreparable pieces.
I have been doing things and acting as I like since we met but since I outspokenly admitted to my friends how I truly felt about her, I wanted to act properly. I have always been hesitant about my actions towards her and how I should really treat her. We were complete strangers…at first. But it has changed as I spent more time with her, as I get to know her. I did not really know how she thought of me and of all the things we did together. All I know is that she was thankful to me. I don’t really want to be treated as a superhero by her. Well, that doesn't sound so bad either but I wanted to be more than that to her. I wanted her to look at me properly as a man, and as a potential love interest. For that to happen, I wanted to change what we currently are. Being good friends is nice but I don’t want to get stuck on that phase. In her case most especially, that is a very delicate subject. I think it would be better if she did not think of me as a good friend at all. Being less than strangers would still be in my advantage.
I wanted to confess to her so damn bad and the words were just at the tip of my tongue, but hesitated at the very last second. I lost all of the confidence that I have and thought of all the negative possibilities that might happen. I crushed my own ego. She always manages to do that without having to do anything. She was a goddess that came down to earth and I am but a mere mortal that was not even worthy of witnessing her beauty. In my eyes she was more radiant and more beautiful as compared to millions of fireflies. In that very moment, she was like a painting that came to life. After a fierce battle with my conscience, I decided to speak my mind on a different day, when I am mentally and emotionally prepared... when I know that I can withstand whatever her answer is. I have chosen to stay in a precious moment that might never come by again. Maybe I have drawn the lucky straw by backing out on the last second.
We were alone together in the middle of the dark forest, and before us was a scenery of indescribable beauty that could move anyone who saw it. In a place where the mood was romantic and, according to her,magical, with our bodies so close to each other, our faces next to each other’s, our lips only millimeters apart...no one would want to break free from such a moment. And any guy would kill anyone who disturbs that moment. At least, I would. We were so close that I could feel her warm breath against my lips. We were that close that I almost kissed her. I almost did but I held it in. I really don’t want to do anything more than being that close to her. Truthfully, I liked the moment itself. We were so close that we were sharing each other’s warmth in a chilly night. I was not certain if it was my imagination but my heart was beating wildly against my chest at that time.
I did not regret not kissing her. But I still wonder how it would feel like to put my lips against her soft pair, to have my tongue explore inside her mouth, to share her warmth through her lips, to hear her moan just from a deep and hot kiss…Shit! Maybe I really do regret it. I should have done it. I should have kissed her. That was the first time I ever hesitated to kiss a girl. That was also the first time that I did not kiss a girl despite the mood calling for it. Should I start questioning my manhood? Who in their right mind would leave the moment as it is? My forehead was leaning against hers. My nose was caressing the side of hers. I could feel her breath on my lips. I only have to move a bit and our lips would be locked with each other’s. I bet if would feel really good to kiss her. Dammit!
I really don’t know what I was thinking or what I was doing. Did my actions at least made her more think more about me? Maybe, I just have a loose screw in my head or I may have gone completely crazy. We were just strangers at first. In a short amount of time, we were just a few millimeters apart. And one day, I would be able to say those words I did not tell her.