15 June 2014

The Night I Met You

31st October XXXX

I was lazing around in the front room with the television playing a cartoon show while my mind was adrift to the events of the previous night. It was a dreamy night, magical and fantasy-like. A prince charming led me to wonderland instead of a white rabbit. We did not fly on a magic carpet but he made the stars fall down upon us. It was not a fancy castle where he brought me with things sparkling and glittering, but everything around us was full of life. Unfortunately, like Cinderella, the magic wore off as the clock strikes on the curfew hour.

He sent me home safe and sound and I had not talked to him since then. I was hesitant on whether I should send him a message or not. I do not know how to start. I have no idea what to tell him. It only made me realize how hard it is just striking a decent phone conversation. If I think about it, he was always the one reaching out to me and I did nothing but accept his kindness.

I wanted to know what was all that about. He said that it was a surprise but it was too vague for my understanding. What was the surprise for? I don't want to be too conceited to think that it was for me. I could not even imagine the effort that was put in just to arrange everything. It was certainly a surprise made for a special event...a special person. And I am not that person. But deep within my heart, a part of me was hoping that even just a little bit it was meant for me. If I keep myself from the light of the reality, I could still continue to deceive myself like that. Sometimes, ignorance can be a kind of sanctuary to run to when reality is too difficult to face. I know that the truth will unveil itself to me on the right time. So for the time being, I will bear the curiosity I harbor and ensconce myself in a dream I wanted to believe.

He has been nothing but gentle to me ever since we met. And up to this day, within the short time we have known each other, I still could not figure out what he was thinking. It might be because I have associated myself too little with men, hence knowing what he thinks was an impossible feat. But what happened last night was giving me the impression that, maybe, even just a tiny bit, he might have feelings for me. Feelings that are similar to one who holds endearment for a special person. I do not want to read between the lines but what happened last night was giving me the idea that he holds special emotions towards me. I was too absorbed in the moment that I could not say anything at all. I was too focused with how my heart was throbbing heavily against my chest that I could not think properly. I do not understand how his actions made my emotions fall into chaos right then. Despite the storm in my mind and heart, I remember how warmth his body feels against my back and how he held me gently as if I was something very precious and delicate. I felt safe and comfortable, and I even thought how staying like that for a long time would not be so bad either. Even now, I could still feel his warmth on my back and I want to feel it once more. I really do not want to admit it myself, but maybe what I am feeling towards him is more that just attachment?

Looking back, it was barely a week since we have known each other but it seemed that during that period, I have spent more time with him than I did with my cousin and Kyle. It might be my unconscious surfacing but our time together kept my mind busy from thinking of that painful thing that recently happened. And I was thankful to him for keeping me company during the times that I might have succumb myself to loneliness instead. I would not deny that his presence have been invaluable during my dark times.

Still his presence is something that frightens me. I am not afraid of him. I was afraid of what he was capable of doing. I don not know him very much and it frightens me to think that what we have all this time was also a pretentious act. I knew that I would be hurt if he suddenly said that he only got close to me and treated me nicely because of a dare. If that ever happened I could not blame him. Who would like a plain and dull girl like me? Moreover, we have only known each other for a few days and that only leaves more room for my doubts. The possibility that he was only playing with me is still there. Maybe it was a kind of self-defense mechanism that I am being too suspicious of him. But I could not really help it with what painful thing I have just been through.

However, despite all the suspicions that had built up inside my head, the fact that I liked spending time with him remains. I have always felt comfortable and secured around him. I am happy in his company and never once bored myself. He showered me with gentleness and kindness that I don't think anyone you just met for a few days would do. Honestly, I could not imagine him trying to cause me harm after all that he has done. He was always looking at me with tender and caring eyes. And even if he betrayed me, I knew that I would still be thankful to him. He is my savior and that will never change. If there is something that I could do for him to return the favor, I know that I will do everything in my power to have it granted. That is just how much thankful I am to him.

I still wonder about his reasons for always being with me, for staying with me and for helping me. He should not have any reason to stick with a stranger. He really is a kind guy, I guess. A few days was indeed not enough to get to know each other well but I don't need to rush. We have enough time in our hands.

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