30 March 2014

Dear You

Dear You,

Yeah, you who is reading this whoever you might be, or might want to be, or used to be... This is absolutely not about you nor does this got anything to do with you. But, hey, you are reading this and you are still reading this so you might want to continue. Even if you don’t and you just ignored this piece of crap whatsoever, I will still continue. Because this is a selfish thing I decided to do and you are of no concern to whatever it is I want to say here. So here goes the real thing:

I had a boyfriend before. Just one official and serious relationship with that certain guy. He was my boyfriend. He used to be my boyfriend. Things did not work out between us and I decided to end it after two and a half years of being together. Nowadays that was a long time yeah? I did love him. Heck, it was two freaking years. But I just had to end it because of selfish and childish reasons.

Would you want to be tied with someone who does not give you as much time as you deserve? Would you want to be with someone who does not take the time to even speak to you when you acted all sweet? Definitely not, right? So, yeah. It ended. I ended it with him and we came to a decision of breaking it off. He does not want to at first but he could not do a thing when we were apart and I wanted it to end.We just had to go our separate ways.

But all truth be told, I miss him. I would be lying if I say that I never thought about him even a single time after we broke up. I have thought of him frequently. Actually I have always thought of him. I had wanted him to be by my side several times. I wanted to hear his voice, to feel his warmth, to get the assurance that he was still there... even if it was not for me. Sometimes I would think of the possibilities, of the parallel worlds where we might still be together. I have always thought about the what if’s of our relationship. I had always done and still doing that for the past five years. It was dumb, I know. But what can I do? He just affected me so much that his existence is impossible to remove from me.

Five long years passed by and I still think ofhim. I really am hopeless. I did like someone and we went out on dates. We were not really dating officially but I know that we both know that there might be something between us. I tried to do things that might make me forget him. But only time makes me forget. I had forgotten his warmth, the sound of his voice, the way he look at me and his eyes that I love so much. I had forgotten that feeling of being with him - that feeling which assured me that I liked him, that we really are going out. I had forgotten how it was to be with him. We never saw each other besides the one or two times that we gathered as high school classmates. We never had a proper conversation about our relationship after we broke up. There was nothing that made me know whether he hated me or not. Actually there was but he said that through chat and it was during the time that I started believing that people's words are mostly empty.

After five long years of practically being estranged with each other, we spoke with each other. It was only through comments, with me wanting to understand a biological stuff which was his field. Maybe if our friend had not tagged him in the post that I created, he would never give a care about what I wanted to know. Perhaps, it was in his interest so he said something. I tried to leave out whatever he say in our group and I felt like he also did the same. We don’t speak publicly about each other, and being born on the same year and same month with just a few days difference, we probably have the same personality and way of thinking. It was our matter. We need not involve our friends in it. We need not speak openly about what we really felt about our past relationship.

I think we spoke, or converse rather, civilly with each other, trying our best not to be too rough or harsh nor feeling close. It was his field of interest, I know. It was something that I wanted to understand. Helping each other out was the least we could do.

But, maybe, it was only me who was thinking that he hated me. He loved me. He really did and it was way more than I loved him. But times are rough and we were young. There was not a need to keep each other chained when we could have our freedom and enjoy our life without having to think of the other. We were inexperienced in love and relationships but we took ours as though we were mature adults. It could only be me, but maybe freeing each other and growing separately was for our best interest.

Life is full of second chances and changes. There could come a day when we could meet again and our circumstances would be different. He would not be that much busy with his medical career and I would not be that mindful of being given less attention. There could be a time in the future when our paths would cross again and we would realize that we still love each other. It was a hopeful future, but possibilities are as endless as the sky. Either that day could come or we were just not meant to be.

If you’re still reading this, that meant that you just got curious about whatever blabber I had mentioned. It was just my own thoughts and will not affect your daily life as you might have thought. But, whoever you are, I thank you for taking your time reading my nonsense. And maybe you could also wish me luck in love?



No comments: