30th October XXXX
I went back home late the previous night and no one was in the apartment. It was all good because I really don't want to deal with another tiring argument with my cousin and Kyle. Another odd day in my life had passed by. I was happy in the morning and I actually woke up early; emotionally-disturbed in the afternoon after suddenly seeing my ex-boyfriend; and having fun in the evening at Jacob's house with his sister and friends. I was surprised to realize that humans can bear such a roller-coaster of an emotion in just a single day. As an aftermath though, I became tired and I just went straight to bed when I got home. Even if I think things over I didn't even know where to start.
When I woke up this morning, I decided to tell everything to Kyle because my cousin happens to be somewhere again. I have already told the both of them about what roughly happened between me and my ex-best friend and ex-boyfriend. They only patiently listened to me at that time and did not ask anything. I guess it was their way of being considerate about my emotions. So now, I decided to tell them about it although my cousin was out somewhere again.
"So what happened after you saw him?" Kyle asked.
"Nothing happened. I was just surprised...disturbed. But I did not cry although I felt like doing so." I answered honestly.
"And how do you feel after seeing him?"
"Well...I don't know. Mixed emotions, I guess."
I looked at Kyle after taking a sip of my hot chocolate. She was just sitting there and patiently listening to me and inquiring. When I told her about seeing my ex-boyfriend the previous day, she seemed alarmed and immediately brought me out of the apartment.
"Mixed emotions? You mean you're angry, lonely, hurt and happy all at once?" She asked.
"Lonely and happy, yes. But angry? No. It was only at first. But after a few days I don't feel like that anymore. I couldn't really make him mine alone if he doesn't feel the same way right? And maybe I'm also a little hurt?"
"Dana, you're too kind for your own good." She simply stated.
"You're always saying that, but that's not true at all. I am so bad that I did not even realize the feelings that my best friends were keeping from me. I must have hurt them that way right?"
"And that is what I'm talking about." She pointed a finger at me and sipped her cup of black coffee. She reminds me of Jacob who was such a big coffee drinker. I wonder if he's also drinking coffee right now like she does. "So, did you two talk?" She added.
I shook my head. "It was too sudden. He probably wanted to but I wasn't really prepared to have a proper talk with him. At least not yet. When I saw him enter the cafe I averted my eyes from him immediately. I really don't want to see him nor talk to him. Yet..."
"But he saw me and talked to me like nothing happened. I don't really know how I should react at that time. All I wanted was for him to leave me alone right then. Thankfully, my friend was there to help me."
"How did this friend of yours react upon seeing a stranger of a guy suddenly talked to his companion?"
"I did not see it. Even though I say that I don't want to see him, when I looked at him, I find it difficult to shift my gaze away from him. I probably missed him right?"
"You do. And it's not strange. So do you want to get back together with him?"
"They're happy together now. I really shouldn't stand in between them. I don't want to think about it now but I hope that, one day, I will feel happy for them."
"That did not really answer my question. So how do you feel about him now? Do you want him to be your boyfriend again?"
I looked at Kyle once again. She was serious but I don't know how to answer her question. Do I want him back? I have never thought about that to be honest. I have always been thinking that they are together now and that I should be happy for them even if it was hard. It never occurred to me whether I will want him to be my boyfriend again if I had the chance.
"Do you still love him?" I heard her asked.
It was another question I have no answer for. I was certain that I love him before. Maybe if she asked me about it on the day we broke up I will definitely answer 'yes'. But I made up my mind. I already came to a decision about slowly forgetting him and that includes the feelings I harbor for him. But, do I still feel the same way as before towards him? Would my feelings for him be the same if we happen to get back together? I am not quite sure myself. Somehow, what happened between the three of us already scarred our relationship. Even if we put things back to how they were, things just won’t be the same as before. Besides, I feel bad for-
A sound of hand clapping pulled me out of my thoughts. "Dana? Are you okay?" Kyle asked as she leaned back on her seat.
"Uh, yeah, sorry. Just spaced out a little." I answered blinking my eyes quickly to get my focus back.
"So?" She asked taking another sipped of her coffee.
"So...?" I mimicked her. She sighed in response.
"How do you feel about him now?"
"Oh! Honestly Kyle, I don't know. But if you want to know whether I want to be back together with him, right now, my answer would be no." I answered.
That was the only thing I was certain about at the moment. Our relationship has been ruined and will definitely not be the same again even if a miracle happened and we end up together again. Wanting him back would be an insane thing to do as well. I don't want to ruin their happiness like what happened to ours.
"Then...are you interested in someone else right now?" She suddenly asked.
For some unknown reason Jacob came to mind. The crazy things we did together the past few days flashed inside my head. It was mostly fun things if I take out the parts where I cried a lot the first and second time we met. But I didn't want to forget those either. In a way they're good memories as well. I love the warmth he shared with me and the comfort he provided me. I am fine now. Not completely but I am fine. It was because he was there to support me. I felt secured and safe even if I was supposed to be broken into tiny pieces. It was thanks to him that I was not that upset over my broken heart.
"Do you like him?" I heard Kyle asked. I quickly turned my head towards her, feeling my cheeks turning warm.
"No- who are you talking about anyway?"
"You knew perfectly well who I'm talking about. What was his name again?"
At my mention of his name, I felt my cheeks grew warmer. Saying his name was difficult too. I noticed that she was trying to hide a smirk and that a glint of mischief was in her eyes. Oh my God! I fell for her trap. She did not even say anything about the person but I said his name right away. I bit my lower lip and focused my attention on the half cup of hot chocolate in front of me.
"Right. So do you like him?"
"What are you talking about Kyle?"
"I was just asking though? So you don't like him? You don't see him as a love interest?"
"Of-of course not. He was just a new found friend." I remarked emphasizing the last three words.
"Hmm. But your face says otherwise? You're face is all red! Were you thinking of your new found friend just now?" Now, I know that she was just teasing me. That's right. She was the one who brought the conversation to this.
"Please stop it, Kyle."
"Can't help it. You're so cute!"
"But you know...I imagined he would beat up your ex when he saw him. It was such a waste that it did not happen."
"Why would he do that?" I asked incredulously.
"I figured he would be that type of person according to what I heard from your story."
"Sorry to burst your bubble but he's not the type who will act rash. And he has no reason to beat him up anyway."
"You're really cute, Dana. In a lot of ways. You like him right?"
"How did we get back to that again?"
"Because I'm curious?"
"Well, to fill your curiosity, I'm telling you that it wasn't like that. Really, please stop it."
"You're really no fun."
"Oh, I know right." I gave her a sarcastic smile.
She eventually changed the topic but even with the change of subject, Jacob still lingers in my mind. I don't understand why he was the first one who came to mind when she asked me about being interested in someone. That was probably because I have been hanging out with him these past few days. But am I interested in him? Do I like him in a special way? Like how I used to like my ex-boyfriend? That couldn't possibly be the case right?
It was because he was there that I did not think too much about my heartbreak. Would it be different had he not been there that night when we first met? Would I still be too hung up about my previous relationship? Would I not make up my mind at this point? There was no way I could find that out now. But I was truly grateful to him. His kindness helped me get through a very difficult time. He was like a prince that came out from a story to rescue a princess. Unfortunately, this wasn't another fairy tale story.
"So, will I meet this Jacob new found friend of yours?"
"And how did the talk about the second semester end up in that question?"
"Because you're not listening to me at all. I give you credit for at least pretending."
"I am listening."
"Then what class am I in?"
I tried to think about it. Nothing came up. Did she really mention it earlier? "1-e?" I tried to sound confident of my answer.
"See, you're not listening at all! I have not even enrolled yet." Busted. I was listening to her halfway through but my mind started to drift off afterwards. It was happening to me a lot recently, that spacing out or zoning out thing.
"Oh, are you worried that I will steal him from you or something?" she added.
"That's not the point!"
"Then, please?" The thing I was weak against that Kyle possessed? That super adorable puppy dog eyes of hers. No, actually when I think about it thoroughly, I am completely weak against her no matter what she does or say.
"Fine." I sighed, giving up. Putting up an argument against her would be useless.
"So can you tell me more of what you've been doing with this Jacob guy friend of yours?"
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