17 November 2015

What If

He groaned, our lips still locked in a deep, hunger-filled kiss, my grip on his hair tightening as I pressed my body even closer to his. It took my all to prevent a smile from tugging on my lips, knowing perfectly well that he would make a remark on my action, eventually breaking the kiss, which I don't want to happen. I find it extremely sexy every time he groaned through a kiss. It just turns me on and he does not even realize the effect it has on me. I pushed harder, deepening the kiss even further, tongues dancing, breathes mixing, and lips swelling more.

I let my left hand trail down to his ear, playing with the lobe a little, before letting my nails gently graze the skin of his neck. I traced what little skin is exposed of his collar bone, and I did not miss how he shivered with the touch, making him softly groan once again against the kiss. I continued drawing invisible lines along his collar bone, enjoying his reaction, before I finally rested my hand on his chest, feeling it rise up and down on his irregular breathing, and his heart beating loud and fast under the layers of clothing and skin. I left it there, enjoying the thought that I was causing his loud, erratic heartbeats. I love listening to it, and I would probably put my head against his chest just to feel the beats and listen to it, if I don't enjoy kissing a lot better.

I like kissing him, but I like it more if he was the one kissing me. The feeling I get when he slides his tongue inside my mouth unexpectedly was indescribable. It sends shivers of pleasure down my spine, making me weak on the knees, and feeling like I was melting in his embrace. Although it was already many months ago, I could still remember the first time he did it. We were kissing lightly back then, before he pulled back, then held my face in both his hands before he kissed me again, deep and gentle at the same time. The moment I opened my mouth, his tongue immediately found its way inside it. He took me by surprise then, that I sat on his lap a little frozen for a second, with eyes open slightly wider, and mind thinking but not processing anything. Then, I shivered at the feeling of his tongue playing with mine inside my mouth. It was pleasurable feeling and I like it. Why he suddenly decided to dominate a kiss, was beyond my knowledge. I never asked him. It was not exactly a topic to be talked about.

Opening his eyes, gazing to my half lidded ones, he pulled away, breaking the kiss, resting his hands on my hips. I leaned forward, reaching for his swollen lips, wanting to taste more of him, but he slowly shook his head, eyes narrowing into a scolding but loving glare. If not for the apparent amused glint of his eyes, and the knowing smirk on his lips, I would have believed that he was giving me a silent scolding. But still, I came to love that look, when he wanted to deny me of something that we both knew we liked.

I wanted to protest, to say it was not enough and I want more, but I know that he would not listen. Sometimes, we would kiss for a long time, tongues playing and never getting tired of each other. Other times, he would be the one to break the kiss, pulling his head away from me, expecting me to reach him for more, while keeping his gaze focused on me, watching my every reaction. I came to think that he just wanted to see how I would react, but I realized that was not the case. Those times when he pulled away after a long kiss and just look at me as if studying me, are usually the times when we have not met for a long time. In my vanity, I thought he would just do so to simply look at me, awed by how he have me, and savor the little moment that we are together. But every time I would reach for more deep kisses, he would refuse with hesitant eyes, looking as if he wanted to give me what I was asking for but at the same time firmly standing his ground that we both had enough physical contact.

It took me a long time to figure out that behavior of his, and never did I ask him about it. But I came to understand that it was his own way of enduring, keeping himself sane, and preventing himself from doing something stupid that he never intended to. We both wanted to be connected, just as much as the other wanted to, but we also both know that we need to set the limits for our own good. We are still students, and we definitely cannot support the consequences of our rash actions. I understand that, but with every time we see each other, I am growing more hungry for him, more wanting to feel him, more needy to have him. Every time we see each other and part, I grow more impatient.

Knowing that I could not get him to continue, I stilled, sitting on his lap, straddling him on the couch, gaze not leaving his. I puff a cheek, a simple indication of my dissatisfaction, but it only made his knowing amused smirk, more apparent, this time, he was not even trying to hide it. I brought the hand that was just playing with his messy, black hair down finding his hand, entwining our fingers. His thumb started gently stroking my hand, and I rested my head on the crook of his neck, letting out an inaudible sigh.

I really wanted to continue kissing but this is one of the times that he would not give in to my demand. His silence means I cannot do anything about it. I have come to understand that simple habit of his, how he would give his final word without actually saying anything. If he even open his mouth to say something in his defense, I knew right away that I could try to push him until he agreed. But if he only stared at me as if studying me in close proximity, after breaking free from the kiss, I know that means we need to stop, no matter how hungry we were for each other.

I snuggled my head on the crook of his head until I find it comfortable enough. I took in his scent, feeling fuzzy inside from the familiar smell that I grew to love. I smiled through his skin, before letting out another sigh. I wanted to touch him more, to be as close to him as possible with every inch of my body, which I know is impossible. I felt him shift in his seat, moving me together with him. He wrapped his free hand on my waist, supporting me. He took back his hand that was held in mine, only to have his fingers tangled in my hair as he stroke it, fingers grazing my back ever so slightly. The feathery light touch along my spine sent shivers to my whole body, making me arched my back, pressing my body against his. I managed to stifle the sound from escaping my lips, the sound drowning between his neck and shirt, afraid that it would sound much like a moan.

He knew how sensitive my back is, especially around the line of the spine. But he loved to stroke my long hair, the length running low on my back that if you stoke it through the tips, you would not miss touching my spine. His fingers continued to brush my hair, as they continued to send trickle down my spine line, again and again. Just that simple action of his is making me feel strange inside, and it was the good kind, a sensation that I liked. I burrowed my face deeper in his neck, biting my lower lips preventing sounds I would not dare him hear. Instead, I let out a shaky breath that brushed through his tan skin, as my head snuggled comfortably on his neck.

As he continued to stroke my head, my lips parted, and I started placing light kisses on his neck. I felt him stiffened on my action for a second, fingers getting caught in the tangles of my hair, and I let a smile tug on my lips on his reaction. I glanced up at him, his head turning down to meet my gaze. In his eyes, I can see a battle going on, and in that battle depended on whether I can keep my lips on the warm soft skin of his neck. In a matter of seconds, the battle ended, and the decision has been made. And it was to my favor. I felt his chest sunk as he let out a sigh of defeat. He placed a soft kiss on my temple, fingers continuing to trail invisible lines along my spine, before he leaned his head on the backrest of the couch, giving me more access to his neck.

I trailed soft kisses on his neck, from the back of his ear down to the line of his collarbone, staying on the latter as I heard his stifled groan. I watched his Adam's apple bubbled p and down as he gulp on his saliva, my lips never leaving his warm skin. I continued to trail kisses to his ear, nibbling on his lobe, my left hand playing on his hair, trying to keep his head in place when I felt him move his head away. I noticed that his eyes were closed, and the sight of him just tugged something inside me. I straightened up, leaving the warm feel of his skin, to get a complete look of him. His breathing was steady, but at the same time heavy, and despite coming a little further from him I can still feel his comfortable warmth with the small distance of our body.

Seeming to realize how I stop from raining him with kisses, he slowly opened his eyes. I bit my lower lip at the sight. Sleepy looking eyes, with orbs of a beautiful light brown color, edged with a darker tone, the loving look as he set his sight on me never disappearing, hair messy with how my hands have been all over it a while ago, and lips stuck in between a shy smile and a pout. I thought to myself that it would be nice to wake up in this kind of sight. If it would be what I see first thing in the morning as I awake, I would probably not leave the bed for a while more then.

Unable to keep the warm feeling that was filling up my chest, I wrap my hands around his head before leaning my forehead against his, smile staying in its place on my lips.
I closed my eyes, as if it would make a difference with what I'm about to say.
"Hey, you do know that I love you right?"

My breath ghosted over his slightly parted lips. I felt his head move, wanting to nod if my hands did not secure them in place. An awkward grumble left lips, as the words he wanted to say got stuck on his throat. It only made the smile that was already adorning my lips even wider, a giggle escaping my lips before I could stop it. He bit on his lower lip, keeping himself from laughing, but he could not help a breathy chuckle from escaping him. I felt him placed both of his hands on my lower back, clasping each other together, as if not wanting to let me go anywhere, which I had not plan on doing so.

He reached for my lips that were only millimeters ways from his, placing a soft, chaste kiss on it.

"Yeah, and I love you. And I will remind you that you're mine."

He said and I managed a hummed for answer before he placed another kiss on my lips, longer than the first one.

And just like that, we continued to cuddle, kiss and be in each other's embrace, neither of us leaving the other with no physical contact. But unlike earlier, it was not the affection-hungry and needy kind of contact, but the kind that was wrapped in gentleness and sweetness and brings about a warm fluffy feeling within me. And honestly, I prefer this kind of contact rather than earlier, where I was hungry for him. I was simply enjoying the moment, looking forward to the next time that we see each other, and we'll be once again in each other's embrace.

We have been like this for over two years, engaged in a relationship where we give the other a lot of time for their personal lives. It was tough being college students, studying different majors, in different schools, and different states. The travel period just so we could visit each other's places would take hours, and being students we cannot afford to go on a lot of dates every week, both with what little spare time we had on our hands and the resources we use to barely spend on ourselves. Yes, it was a relationship that grew on a long-distance basis. Yet somehow, we got to make it work. And two years had passed by just like that. In just a couple more years, I'd be out of school, and becoming a part of the world of the working adults. And he? He will be continuing his studies for his medical career. I do not know if being both students or a student and a working adult would be much difficult or easier. I would only find out years from now. The thought can wait until then.

For now, what I know is that I enjoyed being in his embrace, feeling his warmth against my skin, and knowing that I have him with me. We were so lost in our own little world of 'us', that nothing else really mattered as long as we have each other. And we would stay like that forever.

But forever could only last for so long. I did not know that that sweet moment that seem to last was the last time.

And it was me who made it that way.

Note: I wrote this up when I was in that mood. I don't even know if this story will actually have a continuation because I usually leave them in my forever pending drafts. I probably got back to writing because I have been reading amateur works once again. Whether this work of fiction will have its continuation or not, you can just try to drop by every now and then. I would usually update my Wordpress blog first, so you can check that. The link would be somewhere in the homepage.

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